Musings and Personal · Writing

Journal Excerpt from my Memoir

Sometimes it really sucks to do God’s will.

It is painful and elicits many conflicting feelings, like anger, sadness, hurt, sorrow, tears, confusion, perplexion, inner war, outer war, tears, pain, confusion, sadness, headaches (from crying). A feeling that your heart isn’t really beating, yet pounding at the same time.

I don’t understand how I could form a bond with something – someone – I met for only moments, held for even less, and feel an excruciating pain that what never was will now never be, not in any way, shape or form.

I accepted the request to be Ruth’s birth coach because I thought it would help me see the other side of the story, help me be a better mother when we adopted, help me be a better person to the memory of the parents that couldn’t take care of their children.

It was 85% selfish to help and 15% selfless. I did a damn good job of being selfless through the whole thing, too! And although my desire to take Paige is not 100% selfless, it is a good portion selfless, though I am finding now with my tears that it is a good portion selfish too.

This would all make sense if I had known Paige for a while, had custody of her for a while, met her and held her and saw her grow. But I don’t even know her and perhaps that is the worst thing; I will never know her.

But it still doesn’t make sense. Why does it feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body, like they show in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom?

How can Ruth take it? I can hardly take it! For crying out loud, I can’t even let someone else give up her baby for adoption without shedding tears! A baby and a mommy that I don’t even know!

I sure wish I was better at thinking with my head instead of my heart.

I wonder if I would have accepted Carole’s request to be Ruth’s birth coach if I’d known the amount of pain it would cause. I’d like to think I would have, I’d like to think I am that selfless, I’d like to think that the experience and knowledge that I helped another would outweigh the pain.

The truth is, I’m not sure I would. The truth is, I am not sure I don’t regret doing what I did.  The truth is, I don’t think I am selfless at all.

Will there ever be a time when I don’t have regret, that I know the pain was small compared to the good it did in the long run? I am sure there will be, I just can’t feel it right now.

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